The Loony Lampoonist

Dramatis Personae :

Mr. Lampooner, a meta-fictional superhero with supranatural powers which include calculating the viscosity of a book with the mere stirring of a bare finger and the ability to leap into the murky depths of its plot line. Last reported sighting : Leaping into a handsome leather-bound volume of the best seller 'The Salty Saga of Captain Hooker'.

Captain Hooker, the sauciest scourge of the Seven Seas, or so she claims. She emerged into the literary spotlight recently, created as the villainess of a children's story where she is supposed to die a horrible death in the briny deep. Dying is the last thing on her mind though, and in one of those rare unscripted moments in literary history, sends the handsome hero walking down the plank instead. The story never makes it to The End but the character goes on to appear in later stories, often as the protagonist.

Seagull 1 and Seagull 2. Non-speaking parts.

-------------------------------------------------------



I walked up to the deck early one morning to check the overnight bottle mail; it was one of the duties assigned to me as I took on the position of factotum on this ship, turning out to be too old for a cabin boy and not attractive enough to be First Mate; and I was surprised to find a letter addressed to the Captain. In the past half a year of serving on this ship I have not seen the Captain receive a communication of significance so the appearance of this missive made me rather curious. Looking around and finding no one awake at this early hour, save a couple of seagulls, I pulled the message out of the bottle; it must be explained to the landlubbing reader at this point that we seafarers have a postal system of our own called the Bottle Mail Service which allows the sender to seal his letter in a glass bottle (preferably corked) along with the name of the recipient and the correct ship code and pop it into the sea and let the currents guide it to the waiting mailbox which is usually situated near the keel of the ship; and read out the contents to myself :

"Ahoy, Cap'n Hooker! Ahoy!", I cried, running towards the fo'c's'le, "Where art thou O' saucy scourge of the seven seas! I bear a message from a young lass, a message of grave importance!"

"This had better be good, Mister Lampooner", replied she, emerging from her cabin, "I be in the middle o' somethin' reeely important!"

"What could possibly be more important than a message of grave importance?"

"Me Jolly Dodger's birdbath, of course!", replied she.

I tsk-tsked. "Your parrot can perform his ablutions later. I carry a-"

"How dare ye! Jolly Dodger be a she. A lady of fine plumage and greener than the greenest emerald ye ever set yer eyes on!"

"One can hardly be blamed for mistaking the gender of a bird bestowed with the dodgy name of the Jolly Dodger, can he?"

"Oh, there be a story behind that, Mister Lampooner", replied the Cap'n laughing, "the Jolly Dodger had a wild youth, y'see-"

I stopped her in mid-sentence, wondering why every female character in this story seemed to have a wild youth, "Ah, never mind the backstory of the Jolly Dodger. It is a tale for another day. Returning to the matter in hand, or more specifically the missive in my hand, it reads that this young lass owes you something (of unspecified identity and value) and says that she has not forgotten. Though what it is that she still retains in her memory is left to the imagination of the reader.."

"Aye, I knows what she talks 'bout."

"Oh, what is it?"

"She wishes to paint me portrait", replied the Cap'n grinning.

"Why would anyone want to paint you?"

"What is that supposed to be meaning?", growled she, gripping her cutlass.

"Er- I meant to say why would anyone want to do something so pointless as try to capture your heavenly beauty on canvas?", replied I quickly, with a cheeky smile.

"Ah, beauty so heavenly surely must cast an earthly shadow", said she, claiming to be quoting a poet of yore, though I must say that I certainly haven't read poetry with such cheesy lines before, "so it be not a meaningless endeavour after all, eh Mister Lampooner?"

"I suppose so."

"Aye! However, I demand that I shall be painted along with dear ol' Jolly Dodger! Can ye carry that message back to her?"

"Yer wish is me command, O' commander of the octal oceans!", I replied, imitating her piratical lingo.

"Octal oceans? There be only five oceans known to landlubbers, ye silly person. And let's keep it that way, shall we? There be unimaginable treasures in the unknown seas, and Cap'n Hooker shall 'ave 'em all! Arr!"

"Aye Aye, Cap'n!", I said, saluting, running away to deliver the message. Ooh, a treasure hunt for real! We be goin' a-sailing, a-sailing we shall go!