Mr. Lampooner and the discovery of Bible powered Time Travel
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Dramatis Personae :
Mr. Lampooner, a meta-fictional superhero with supranatural powers which include calculating the viscosity of a book with a bare finger and the ability to leap into the murky depths of its plot line. Armed with the Quill of Mockery, hand crafted from the feathers of a Mockingbird, this man will always have the last word.
The Deus Ex Machinist, or the Tool of God as he is commonly referred to, is an entity spawned at the moment, after Creation, when the First Man lays the First Woman again and again and again until he tires of it and says that he needs a new woman and asks the creator where could he find a woman of fair bosom, tears of spring dew and toenails of pristine cuticle and the Creator replies "Literature" in response and Literature is created by the First Man who does a bad job of creating works in this new medium and is then given a tool by the Creator; a Tool so powerful, it can drive narratives forward. A Tool also so dangerous that it can drive plot holes through the story. A Tool, so disgusted at being used to fix inferior plots, that it decides to question its existence and realises that the greatest story ever told, being told and will continue to be told, the Story of the World needs fixing and the only tool that can rise up to this task is itself, or himself as he chooses his gender to be. The Tool of God.
Doobiewedder, an eighteenth century janitor who dabbles in metaphysics, astro-biology and other sciences of dubious scientific value during his work breaks is famously attributed as the proponent of the Einstein-Doobiewedder paradox and not so famously as the inventor of the grammatical molecule analyzer, an invention that holds the dubious distinction of being the only product of human scientific thought that can take science a step backward.
Jane Doe, a mysterious unplanned character that has suddenly appeared in the storyline and taken the writer by surprise. This character sketch will remain empty as details about this character remain sketchy.
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ACT I
[In a poorly constructed set decorated with second-hand props and painted cardboard boxes, stand the three characters Mr. Lampooner, The Deus Ex Machinist and Doobiewedder. At a first glance the audience would suppose that the scene was set in the house of a divorced salaryman fallen on bad times but a helpful sign that reads CRIMEFIGHTING HQ informs them that it is what it says it is : The headquarters of a merry bunch of crimefighters.
Mr. Lampooner stands leaning on a table as appears to be his style, but it could be more accurately explained by an accident suffered by the actor the previous night as he crawled back home from a near-by public house in a drunken stupor. The Deus Ex Machinist stands, hands wringing, played a fidgety, nervous actor taken as a last minute replacement to the actor who was knocked out cold in a drunken fight last night in what is rumoured to be the same bar that the actor who plays Mr. Lampooner was partaking beverages in. Doobiewedder stands the janitor stance, receiving rave reviews later for his method acting and quest for perfection, though the fact that could have dulled this praise was that the actor is a real janitor, cast in the role by a desperate producer who had overshot his budget.
As the curtain rises, the spotlight comes in from the corner and goes towards the three characters waiting, passes them and focuses on a hungry rat nibbling on the anchor ropes. The rodent, unaware of having stolen the limelight from the stars, looks up in surprise and runs away. The spotlight operator's boy laughs and follows the fleeing rodent with his light; it is in his control as his father has fallen ill and trusted his scion with carrying out his duties; until he is boxed in the ears by the assistant to the producer, taken away from the controls and visual normalcy is restored. The light is bestowed upon its rightful owners and they begin to speak.]
"Avast! This be a message from a wench, me lads-", Mr. Lampooner starts saying in a carried over accent, carried over from his cross-dressing performance last evening in the titular role in the Cap'n Hooker, Saucy Scourge of the Seven Seas and Octal Oceans comedic drama production, but is interrupted by the frenzied gestures of the producer hinting at his colossal boo boo and quickly, clearing his throat, resumes by saying, "A message so boastfully self confident that it involuntarily brought out my mocking pirate voice to read it out :
'I am Jane Doe', reads the writing on this paper, received as a message from an anonymous source, 'My superpower is an ability to toggle identities. It's like I have a scramble suit wrapped around my brain. In retrospect, I can travel through time, I can do things. I am here to prevail.'"
"Are you friend or foe, Miss Jane Doe?", asks The Deus Ex Machinist, looking at the audience, "If you choose to be a foe, know that Mr. Lampooner, Doobiewedder and I are evaluating your threat as we speak."
[The lights go dim. There is a sound of heavy gears cranking. "The characters are deep in thought", says the narrator in his baritone, stating the obvious. The lights go bright again a few minutes later.]
"She does toggle identities faster than she changes clothes, but even Captain Obvious could tell you who her secret identity is. She is Jane Dough, daughter of baker John Dough, a shape shifting superhero himself", says the lampooner.
"Good 'ol John had a daughter?", asks The Deus Ex Machinist, surprised.
"Apparently, he did. I cannot dig up information on the mother though", replies the lampooner, leaping in and out of encyclopedias, census records and almanacs, "This presents a problem : If the mother carried and passed on super-genes to the child, we might be facing a little superhero here with undiscovered powers. What have you got, Doobiewedder?"
"Leave it to the master of paradoxes, of dubious scientific value, to tackle a time traveller. As she hops, skips and jumps through the fabric of space-time, Doobiewedder shall be there creating paradoxical obstacles."
"That's good to hear", says the lampooner.
"And that's not all, Mr. Lampooner. I have fashioned a time travel procedure for you."
"For me? I am perhaps the most under-equipped superhero in history; I merely leap in and out of books. How could I possibly travel through time?"
"A great superhero turns his limitations into his powers, Mr. Lampooner. Come with me, and I shall show you your time machine."
I follow him expecting to see the TARDIS, or a painted cardboard box that looks like one, but instead lay eyes on a...
"A Bible?"
"Yes, Mr. Lampooner."
"I am going to give a puzzled look now, which is your cue to start your explanation monologue."
"Very well, Mr. Lampooner. Until now you have been leaping in and out of a book. In these expeditions, you might have encountered connections to other books. These connections have been given different names throughout history : Influences, Inspiration, Derivative works and so on. In reality though, no book is an island. It is a small patch of land in the extensive landmass that we call the L-Scape -"
"This is beginning to sound like a ripoff of Terry Pratchett!", cries a heckler from beyond the Fourth Wall, in the audience.
"Oh, hush! I have not heard that name before", replies Doobiewedder, with dubious sincerity, "As I was saying, the Literary Scape or L-Scape, as we refer to it, connects every book together. You leap in a book, and I say leap out of the same book elsewhere."
"Like leap into a paperback copy of Les Chansons de Bilitis in Cognac, France and leap out of the hardcover edition in Quebec, Canada? If this worked, I would be a master of geographic travel!"
"And temporal. And that is why I gave you the Bible. It is one of the earliest published books in the world, the most published book in the world and the most translated book in the world, in excess of over 2,000 languages. Leap into your copy of the Bible and you would be able to leap out almost anywhere in the world and at any time between the birth of Christ to late 21st century."
"Why can't I leap beyond the 21st century?"
"Because Christianity has died out in the 22nd."
"So my bible-powered time travel cannot take me very far into the future, eh?"
"No. And neither would The Deus Ex Machinist's powers work in that time, since he hast been blessed by the Christian God."
"We are both impotent beyond the 21st century, eh Tool of God?"
"Sure looks like it", replies The Deus Ex Machinist, shaking his head sadly, "and if you haven't noticed, Mr. Lampooner, Jane Doe has stated that 'she can do things'; which at a quick glance means she can do things but a deeper analysis reveals an intentionally ambiguous statement which gives her the power to do virtually anything. It is an open ended statement that gives the user limitless powers. Even my powers are not limitless since I am restricted by anomalies and I am the very Tool of God Himself."
"Are we then looking at an opponent with frightfully powerful powers?"
"We sure are."
Mr. Lampooner, The Deus Ex Machinist and Doobiewedder look at each other, then look at the audience and scream in unison. "Please join us, Jane Doe, for we make a puny foe!"
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ACT II
[It is evident to the audience that the actors are standing in the same room as before, but a helpful sign that reads 10 HORSEPOWER CHARIOT informs them that the characters are in motion, travelling at high speeds in a vehicle drawn by steed.]
"Don't we need a name for our group?", asks The Deus Ex Machinist, modulating his voice higher and lower, and vice versa, to mimic the effect of strong winds upon conversation.
"Fear not, I have already given that thought. We shall call ourselves The League of Gentlemen Extraordinaire!", replies the lampooner, with a dramatic flourish.
"And this is totally an Alan Moore ripoff!", cries another heckler from beyond the Fourth Wall.
"We serve the Greater Good, don't we Tool of God?", asks the lampooner.
"Aye", replies The Deus Ex Machinist.
"Then be a good utilitarian and zap those annoying hecklers out of existence. They're beginning to get on my nerves-"
ZAP!
ZAP ZAP ZAPPITY ZAP!
[Shocked silence. Curtains fall. There is a sound of running feet. The cast and crew have fled the scene.]
The End.
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In a shocking plot twist, the nervous actor turns out to be a friendly visitor from a neighbourhood galaxy who gets carried away by his role; the show is hailed for its burning realism. It runs to full houses for two whole months; every performance has a role played by a couple of audience members. A role that astounds the audience and is spoken about for weeks later and described as the heckler's swan song.
posted by foogarky @ 8:36 AM,
3 Comments:
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At 7:17 AM,
Mihir Pathare said...
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Now why didn't I think of that? :S
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At 7:20 AM,
foogarky said...
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Think of what, dear taurius1?
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At 3:40 AM,
Kaber Vasuki said...
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I was the one who shouted "that is totally alan moore" . indeed, my grand children shall be mighty proud.
The Author
foogarky
foogarky is the pseudonym of the fictional construct who battles for supremacy with other constructed personas in the mind of a crazed individual. He describes himself as a man living in a non descript house in Rio De Janiero, Brazil with two dogs and a parakeet.
About This Blog
The Loony Lampoonist serves to parody, spoof and satirize everything that needs to be parodied, spoofed and satirized. Due to the fictional nature of this electronic journal, any anecdotes appearing here ever so often that seem to be personal in nature, would suffer from the effects of conflicting personalities, the creation of fictional events and the inclusion of non existent characters who did not make it to the big league in the author's literary works. Thus, the Loony Lampoonist is also a purgatory for characters and ideas that have missed the limelight.
