A Death in the Third Person
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Read the origin of Mr. Lampooner, literary superhero in chapter 1 of this epic saga here :
http://loonylampoonery.blogspot.com/2008/06/mr-lampooner-literary-superhero.html
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Mr. Lampooner, literary superhero lies in Limbo in the Afterlife. Facing an uncertain fate with no hope of rescue, his absence does not go unnoticed across the multiverses and tales begin to be told of his exploits in an eventful past.
Does anyone remember the epic battle between Mr. Lampooner, literary superhero and Eva Day, Mistress of the Retroactive Dodge? A fearsome foe she was, born with the ability to retroactively dodge an action of malicious intent. It is said her powers were first manifested when her mother, attempting to punish the child for evading errand duty, slapped herself as the child effortlessly dodged the hand motion.
A rising star on the Dodgeball circuit, Eva left behind a glamourous career to take on a life of crime. What terrible incident could have scarred her so to turn to the dark side? What cruelty of a fellow human could have caused this to happen? What unimaginable, unspeakable horror could-
"Oh, quit being so dramatic. You know I chose this because I like it. I like being a bad girl. Rowr!"
"I'm just doing my job, Miss Day. One has to resort to such theatrics to hold the attention of this deficient audience."
"Well, it's silly. And it looks like you've done the vice versa. There goes another one. Another reader lost."
"Bu-but I thought it would-"
"Well, it didn't. You're fired."
And the following part of the story will have no narrator. This is the first time in literary history a story has lost its narrator midway, mid paragraph. Known for centuries to be a faceless character, immortal through the lifespan of the book, immune to the fevers of the fictional world, invincible to the dangers lurking in the forests of the fictional world, can a narrator be gotten rid off so easily? What fate befalls the characters without the guidance of the omnipresent one? What shall this new genre of story telling be called? What horrifying outcome can-
"Are you still here?"
"Yes"
"Didn't I fire you, like five minutes ago? What are you still babbling on about to the audience?"
"I was telling them-"
"Oh, never mind what you were telling them. Pack ye bags and scoot."
And the inspector found the weapon in the laundry. The butler had done it. Mr. and Mrs. Swingbottom were reunited once again. And they lived happily ever after.
"The hell they did. This story ain't over until I say its over. Now vamoose, you clingy little narrator. Go become a footnote in history."
It feels so much better speaking like this, without having a stranger quote you all the time. I am the protagonist of this story. No longer shall I stand to have someone say my lines for me. I am perfectly capable of delivering my own lines. I don't need someone to reword my words, adding fancy verbs when my own vocabulary is deemed incapable of delivering memorable dialogue. I don't need someone euphemizing my off colour statements. I don't need someone altering my appearance to increase sales of this book. I am happy with the size of bosom, thank you. I don't want to disappear in scenes that don't involve. This is my story. I speak first, I speak in person. I speak in the first person.
posted by foogarky @ 11:09 AM,
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The Author
foogarky
foogarky is the pseudonym of the fictional construct who battles for supremacy with other constructed personas in the mind of a crazed individual. He describes himself as a man living in a non descript house in Rio De Janiero, Brazil with two dogs and a parakeet.
About This Blog
The Loony Lampoonist serves to parody, spoof and satirize everything that needs to be parodied, spoofed and satirized. Due to the fictional nature of this electronic journal, any anecdotes appearing here ever so often that seem to be personal in nature, would suffer from the effects of conflicting personalities, the creation of fictional events and the inclusion of non existent characters who did not make it to the big league in the author's literary works. Thus, the Loony Lampoonist is also a purgatory for characters and ideas that have missed the limelight.
