The Loony Lampoonist

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A year and a half later,

"This is Candy, reporting live from the Emmys. Woot! I'm here. I'm actually here! And we can just about see a man in pirate costume walk towards the podium. Yes, that's right, as you can see he has taken the Best Actor award. There you have it. Mr. Lampooner, literary superhero sweeps this years awards. It has even taken the award for Commendable Achievement in Female Empowerment. I wonder how it got that one. What does crow taste like, Matt?"

"We can't hear ya, Candy. Technical difficulties. And now it's Stanley with the weather. How's the depression forming over the Pacific, Stan?"

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"In this book Super Hero Existentialism, available in all major bookstores for twelve ninety nine, I have explained the mechanics and modus operandi of our favourite vigilantes and villains. Let's take the example of the recently created Mr. Lampooner, literary superhero. He makes his first appearance as a side character in the hit TV show Cap'n Hooker and the story of the mysterious, moldy MacGuffin. From the script we come to know that he is a man of supranatural powers, which include calculating the viscosity of a book with a bare finger and the ability to leap into the murky depths of its plot line. Consider the description on page fourty seven of the script :

'...books have an unseen, to the human eye that is, fourth dimension. Humans can see the length, width and height of a book, but I can feel the viscosity of it.

"The viscosity?", you may ask loudly and incredulously. "Yes", I reply in equal volume. The viscosity. For books have been known to be written in a range of writing styles from the negative extreme of sparse, minimalistic writing to the positive extreme of an ornate, flowery style and the only book in this entire universe to lie in the middle of this scale with a perfectly balanced writing style is the unpublished memoirs of an opium farmer, thought to be eaten by a goat driven so far by hunger to bother not about the earth shattering loss of this literary treasure. A dip of my finger, which I refer to dramatically as the Finger of God, which really does not have anything divine about it though, into a book and the subsequent stirring motion calculates the viscosity of the book..'

'..I stir my fingers through the pages and feel resistance. I read a few sentences. Flowery language. I sigh, wishing for the power to deflower books.

"That is the wrong usage of deflower, dweeb", continues the heckler, apparently able to hear my inner thoughts. I shut him out, shut my eyes, clench my nose and take a dive.

Into the book.'

An analysis reveals a strange weakness, but a weakness nonetheless. The Lampooner is powerless against characters of a poetic tale. How does one swim in the unstructured form of free verse? Is it time for Mr. Lampooner to get himself a sidekick? Will he want a strapping young boy, trained in the circus to read acrobatic heights or a buxom lass in sexy spandex? If we look at episode 15, he is shown to be attracted to.."

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Episode 09 : The Balrog's Bane

Leaping into page 98 of The Fellowship of the Ring script, The Lampooner finds himself at The Bridge of Khazad-Dum.

The Balrog is at the bridge. Gandalf stands in the middle, Glamdring raised.

"You shall not pass!", screams Gandalf.

"Water!", adds The Lampooner, summoning the power of toilet humour.

The Balrog loses a kidney.

"And break wind", continues The Lampooner, effectively sealing the fate, and an orifice, of the fiery demon.

The Balrog implodes. A man, or any creature for that matter, ceases to live when it loses its flatulence privileges.

"You fought well, Mr. Lampooner, son of [name withheld for privacy reasons]. Will you join our fellowship?", asks Gandalf the Grey, unaware that he has just missed the opportunity for a coloured promotion because of this turn in the story.

"If I say yes, can I have Arwen the Beautiful? She's yummy."

Gandalf looks at Aragorn. "I'm afraid you'll have to take this in your stride, Strider. Yes, you may have her, Mr. Lampooner."

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Episode 13 : Bald is beautiful

Leaping into page twenty three of X-Men #115,

"I must warn you, my follically challenged foe, I have a strange fetish", says the lampooner.

"And what is that?", replies Professor X, seated in his wheelchair.

"Why don't you read my mind and find out?"

"I sense an unhealthy obsession for bald, crippled men."

"Uh huh."

"Is that me you're fantasizing about right now? I guess I'm flattere- Sweet mother of mercy! You can't do that to me! You sick basta- Stop! I beg you! Stop!"

"Will you promise to stop snooping into the private fantasies of others?"

"Yes. Yes. Yes! Now please stop this!"

"I was just getting started", sighs the lampooner, leaving in search of Storm.