Cap'n Hooker and the cowardly Ninjas
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Now here's a question that's been bothering me these days : Which are cooler? Ninjas or pirates?
Of course, considering that I've got a pirate in my employ, I can't answer the question objectively. And to make matters worse, the said pirate Cap'n Hooker is so freakin' cool, a ninja would have be to pure awesomesauce to top her in awesomitude. Now this leaves me with only one option. Create my own Ninja.
"Oh, pooh pooh Mr. Lampooner. Ninjas be scurvy cowards", says the Cappy, when she hears my idea.
"Cowards?", I reply, shocked.
"Aye."
"How would you know that?", I ask, incredulous.
"I knows that 'cause I 'ave faced 'em in battle."
Have you ever felt as a writer that you just don't know enough about your character? This was one of those moments.
"You have fought with Ninjas? That's so freakin' cool!"
"This cutlass, me lad, first tasted Ninja blood when ye were still in yer Ma's tummy, I'd reckon."
My eyes go starry. Cap'n Hooker seemed to have lived a life that every woman (or even a man) could only have dreamed of.
"Tell me something about these Ninjas", I ask her.
"Well, 'twas in me wild younger days", she says, as I stagger (wondering if her current life was tame in her view, what God forbidden activities could she have indulged in her youth), "I be sailin' the seas of Nippon plunderin' the ships of the Emperor's Navy. A cowardly fool was he, sendin' Ninjas by the boatloads to put us to sleep with the fishies."
"Ninjas on boats?", I interject, eyes widening.
"Aye. Ninjas that were said to swim faster than 'em fishies 'emselves. They sneaked in upon me ship in the dead of night and captured all o' us. Everyone except Cap'n Hooker, of course. I stood there, me cutlass wavin' around deflectin' the shuriken they flung at me. Until the Ninja commander 'erself came to face me."
"Ninja commander?"
"Aye. She was shadow born, I tells ye. I could only see her eyes, white as the pearly residue of oysters, in the black of night. Ye haven't fought a fight until ye have faced a foe invisible to the eye. Me cutlass, blind as I was, waved aimlessly, findin' no target."
"Oh, that must have been terrible!"
The Cap'n nodded. "However, by providence, we got ourselves a thunderstorm. That be right. A thunderstorm!", she said, guffawing, "With bright bright lightnin'. The commander lost her shadowy camouflage. We were even keeled now. She did fight bravely, her ninjato matching me cutlass swing for swing, slash for slash, but your Cap'n was the better fighter. As I went in for the kill, she put her hand into her bosom, drawing out a bomb and dropped it on the deck."
"And went POOF?"
"Aye. Disappeared in the wink of an eye. That's why I call 'em Ninjas scurvy cowards. They ne'er fight to the death."
I could have told the Cap'n that disappearing when the odds were not in their favour was part of the strategy of the Ninja, but she wouldn't see reason in it. And that was what I liked in that loud woman. And that is why I side with the pirates every time my mates bring up this age old question. Pirates are cooler, bitches! Agree with me, else I keelhaul ye!
posted by foogarky @ 5:56 AM,
3 Comments:
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At 6:06 AM,
Mihir Pathare said...
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Good Evening!
*harem no-jutsu* !!!
I rest my case. :D -
At 6:23 AM,
foogarky said...
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Cap'n Hooker is no lesbo, so unless your Harem No Jutsu can summon up some hot hunks, she's not going to be impressed and certainly not nosebleeding all over her sarong.
"Did you hear that, Cap'n? Taur thought you'd go bonkers over them beauties he summoned up. The poor fool didn't realise... Oh, sweet Jesus, are you nosebleeding?! OMG are you a lesbo?!!!!!111" -
At 11:59 PM,
,, said...
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foogarky,
I like how the narrator extends beyond the blog post and into the comments.
The Author
foogarky
foogarky is the pseudonym of the fictional construct who battles for supremacy with other constructed personas in the mind of a crazed individual. He describes himself as a man living in a non descript house in Rio De Janiero, Brazil with two dogs and a parakeet.
About This Blog
The Loony Lampoonist serves to parody, spoof and satirize everything that needs to be parodied, spoofed and satirized. Due to the fictional nature of this electronic journal, any anecdotes appearing here ever so often that seem to be personal in nature, would suffer from the effects of conflicting personalities, the creation of fictional events and the inclusion of non existent characters who did not make it to the big league in the author's literary works. Thus, the Loony Lampoonist is also a purgatory for characters and ideas that have missed the limelight.
