Blehtymology -_-
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Anthropological studies of the ancient Mayans have revealed that a sacrificial victim might have uttered "bleh -_-" before his heart was carved out. Is this the earliest recorded usage of the word?
News reports from France indicate that an unpublished autobiography of Napoleon reveals that he might have said something phonetically similar to "ze bleh ~_~" when informed that there was no Water in the Loo.
Coming back to the topic of sacrifices, the citizens of Bizarro world have turned the concept of virgin sacrifices upside down. Instead of sacrificing the life of a virgin, they have been sacrificing her virginity. In time that led to a shortage in supply of virgins and the lowest paid janitor (who happens to be the leader of this topsy turvy world) was known to have said "_-_ HELB" when a race of locusts attacked the planet and they did not have any virgins left to appease the Gods.
posted by foogarky @ 2:28 PM,
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Breast Envy
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
This is a tale a few summers old.
In our growing up years, I was very close to a cousin. We were inseperable friends, our blood forged bonds thicker than water as the saying goes [or something to that effect]. Anyhow, as the years went by we grew older and the cousin got himself a girlfriend. He started spending a lot of time with the interloper while yours truly was left in the lurch.
Obviously miffed at the turn of events, I confronted him about this. "Why do you spend so much time with that girl? What has she got that I don't?", I asked.
"Tits", he replied.
His monosyllabic reply had the taste of bitter truth to it. The next time she visited, I stared at her breasts longingly, envious. The dirty look she flashed at me seemed to say, "These are mine! Get your own, you flat-chested loser." Only in my later years would I realise what her dirty look actually meant.
So there you have it, Freud. You spoke so much about Penis Envy, but you did not live long enough to see a documented case of the opposite, Breast Envy. If only you had lived a few decades longer, I would have offered myself for psychoanalysis.
posted by foogarky @ 1:34 PM,
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I'm a woman now?
According to my dear buddy Chazmodium (don't ask me why he chose a nickname that sounds suspiciously similar to a faux chemical element that didn't qualify for inclusion into the periodic table), I am now a woman. No, he didn't mean it in a physical sense. I certainly haven't grown breasts overnight.
What the chap meant was of course, I now have the behavioural patterns of a woman. And it has something to do with the fact that I enjoyed playing the Nintendo Wii. Now, the only reason I could think of why playing the Wii would seem like a feminine activity is because it has a controller that resembles a dildo and it vibrates rather vigorously because of the force feedback controls. However, the controller stayed in my hand for the whole period of my playing on the Wii and I can assure you it never went anywhere a dildo is supposed to go.
The second reason he brought up for my inclusion into womanhood was the fact that I have started writing a blog. Well Chazmodium, you can't be blamed for thinking that because of all these idiots who use blogs as a personal diary. And all the famous diary writers happen to be female (Bridget Jones' Diary, Anne Frank's Diary et al) [I can't think of any famous male Diary writers]. So I suppose this leads to a skewed perception that blogging is a feminine activity.
Well, the Loony Lampoonist blog is different. It ain't no personal diary. And I am a man. Was, is and always will be.
posted by foogarky @ 1:10 PM,
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Dumped
Have you heard the one about the yaoi fangirl who tried to get her boyfriend to read the stuff? It turns out that the bloke was a latent homosexual and reading the stuff introduced him to the joys of the other side. He dumped her for a guy.
To avoid sexism lawsuits, I shall narrate the female version of the joke now.
Have you heard the one about the guy who tried to get his girlfriend to watch his lesbian porn along with him? It turns out that the girl was a latent homosexual and watching the stuff introduced her to the joys of the other side. She dumped him for a girl.
posted by foogarky @ 12:54 PM,
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Fear the Lampooner
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Featuring toilet humour of septic proportions!
And orgasmic comedy that will keep you cumming back for more!
Known to cause the blind to see, the deaf to hear and the impotent to bone like they've never boned before!
The Loony Lampoonist will spoof your brother, parody your sister and mock your mother!
posted by foogarky @ 3:19 AM,
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Do Ray and Me
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Is the Do-Re-Mi song from Sound of Music sacrosant because it is a children's song? What if someone got drunk on beer and tried singing it?
Show a beer, an emailed beer.
Say, a drop of golden fun.
Dee, a dame I boned myself.
Ah, a long long way to a nun.
Eew, a beagle giving head,
Ha, a whore to follow you?
Pee, a drink with spam and lead.
That will bring us back to the do oh-oh-oh!
posted by foogarky @ 4:36 AM,
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Another Prick in the Hall - Pedo Floyd
We now return to our mission. That be lampoonery with a dash of lunacy.
This is going to be blasphemous to Pink Floyd fans. I have applied for my poetic license, so no fatwas please.
Presenting Another Prick in the Hall by Pedo Floyd.
We don't need no sex education.
We don't need no birth control.
No dark orgasm in the classroom.
Teachers leave them kids alone.
Hey! Pedos! Leave them kids alone!
All in all it's just another dick in y'all.
All in all you're just another prick in the hall.
posted by foogarky @ 4:25 AM,
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Support Gay Rights
And there I was, bored to death at work as usual. So, I began playing a game of devil's advocate with myself. I took the positions of a homophobe and a gay rights supporter and both of us were dueling it out until the gay rights supporter took a man's inherent fear of marriage and twisted it into his argument. It went :
"Does thoughts of marriage give you the heebie-jeebies? Scared that a wife wouldn't allow you to play computer games? Worried that you won't be able to discuss cars and sports with a wife? Marry a guy instead. Support gay rights."
And the homophobe was stumped. He walked away with his head hung in defeat.
(Fear not, fellow homophobes! He will be back soon with a better argument to fight his case. )
posted by foogarky @ 4:17 AM,
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Pimp My Ride
"Pimp My Ride" is a rather inappropriate name for a MTV television show about restoring old cars. It happens to be the perfect title for an episode in the reality show of foogarky's life though.
A while back I was heading out with a friend to buy computer parts. The friendly rickshaw driver started telling us about how his daily fare consisted of young men and women who visited the usual hangout spots. He began describing about how the lifestyle was slowly changing in these parts. But then the conversation took a darker turn. The driver started listing out the red light areas in the city and asked if we were interested. I politely refused saying "I don't pay for pussy". The bloke wasn't going to give up that easily though. He kept on talking about his network and contacts.
"Well, what have you got on the menu?", I asked.
Turns out that most of his "items" (as he referred to them) were young college girls looking for an extra buck. Assured me that they were of the highest quality. Named a few colleges too. I happened to know a few girls who studied in those colleges. I blanked out further thoughts.
Realising that this fella wasn't going to stop his sales pitch, I told him that I was on Lent and I was off women for 40 days. He seemed to believe it and offered his wares for a later time.
'Twas how my ride was pimped.
posted by foogarky @ 3:46 AM,
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The Author
foogarky
foogarky is the pseudonym of the fictional construct who battles for supremacy with other constructed personas in the mind of a crazed individual. He describes himself as a man living in a non descript house in Rio De Janiero, Brazil with two dogs and a parakeet.
About This Blog
The Loony Lampoonist serves to parody, spoof and satirize everything that needs to be parodied, spoofed and satirized. Due to the fictional nature of this electronic journal, any anecdotes appearing here ever so often that seem to be personal in nature, would suffer from the effects of conflicting personalities, the creation of fictional events and the inclusion of non existent characters who did not make it to the big league in the author's literary works. Thus, the Loony Lampoonist is also a purgatory for characters and ideas that have missed the limelight.
