Social skills lessons for hikikomoris #1
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Did you know that according to a study (http://news.scotsman.com/scitech.cfm?i
Ever wondered why the hot chick you've been hitting on for half hour doesn't seem interested in you? That's because she made up her mind in the first 30 seconds of meeting you.
After conducting our own research, we decided that we would come up with effective pick up lines that can be delivered in 30 seconds. And, where else to look for inspiration than the wonderful world of anime?
Presenting the Top 5 anime based Pickup Lines.
1. Got a tissue? I got a nosebleed by just looking at you.
2. Hey baby, you just gave the term 'fanservice' a whole new definition.
3. I make a bad Pokemon. You caught me at first sight.
4. I'm looking for an inspiration for my Sexy No Jutsu. Interested?
5. You are the Yin to my Yang. We complete each other.
Our Pickup Lines tester (sounds like a sugoi job, ne? How we envy him) posted the results. 4 phone numbers and six slaps. Our lines worked only 40% of the time. But after thorough analysis, we found that it was actually our tester who had the charisma of a dead fish. So, we evolved a four step plan to give a +10 stat bonus to his charisma. He is currently in training, levelling up at a grindingly slow pace.
posted by foogarky @ 10:38 AM,
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Chicken Soup for the Chicken's Soul?
Monday, February 12, 2007
Why doesn't someone write a Chicken Soup for the Chicken's Soul?
A chicken that is depressed because it will soon be turned into a hot bowl of steaming soup surely needs a self help book too.
I sniff a potential bestseller. I will write this book, make a billion and retire in the South Seas.
posted by foogarky @ 12:01 PM,
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Choloepus didactylus
I had been diagnosed with acute lethargy. According to the physician, I had been born with the illness.
I had to find out more about this peculiar affliction and the effect it would have on my life. So, I travelled to the forbidding tropical jungles of South America to study the Sloth (Choloepus didactylus). The sloths are fascinating creatures which reminded me so much of my affliction, only in their case it was a natural characterisitic of their species. They move only when it absolutely necessary and they sleep for about fifteen hours a day. I began to wonder. Why would God create such a creature? Did they serve some special purpose? And what about me? Was I to serve some special purpose too?
I had to look for answers elsewhere. I chose science. Thermodynamics in particular. I chanced upon the Chaos Theory. It all made sense and I finally found the answer. The process of doing work always increases entropy which would ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe. I was horrified. Was I going to damn my descendants to a fiery end by doing too much work?
I rushed back to the jungle and climbed the tree. The sloth hardly lifted its eyelids in response. I lay next to it, content with the thought that I was going to save the universe by doing nothing.
posted by foogarky @ 12:00 PM,
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You have been googled
And there I was, reading the morning's papers with a cup of tea in my hand when I chanced upon the article in the Business section.
Google buys Youtube for $ 1.65 billion.
"Holy smokes!", I exclaimed in suprise, "and what are they going to call this new conglomeration?"
"I couldn't say, sir. Gootube perhaps?", replied Proffie.
"Silly ol' Proffie", I snickered, "but you might very well be right"
Labels: Foogy Foplin, Proffie
posted by foogarky @ 12:00 PM,
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A good read
I flipped through the pages. "What do you make of it, Proffie? A book of some kind?"
"It appears to be a novel told through pictures. A form of visual story-telling perhaps.", replied the wise valet.
"It has a rather intriguing title. The adventures of HentaiBoi : Fear my tentacles. Sounds like an interesting read. Get me a cup of coffee, will you Proffie?"
"Very well, sir."
Labels: Foogy Foplin, Proffie
posted by foogarky @ 11:59 AM,
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Game Over
I tapped the buttons on my keyboard with a dramatic flourish of my hand. The penultimate level of this Japanese videogame was finally over. Now, only the final Boss remained.
I squinted at the screen, trying to read the japanese characters which were written in an annoyingly small font. "You won't believe this, Proffie. I battled through eleven levels of horrible monsters to reach a Baka-Neko at this final stage. What's the stupid cat going to do? Scratch me to death?", I said as I walked through the door.
"Sir, no! The writing on the screen wasn't Baka-Neko. It was Bake-Neko. The Demon Cat.", replied Proffie, but it was too late.
:(
Labels: Foogy Foplin, Proffie
posted by foogarky @ 11:58 AM,
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The Extratemporals
"Identify yourself!"
"I am Foogy Foplin, in her Majesty's secret service. And this is my man Proffie. We're here on account of the appearance of the mysterious specter known as Jack the Ripper."
"Her Majesty? Jack the Ripper? You sound like you've stepped out of the pages of a novel set in Victorian England. This is the 21st century, bub."
"Good Heavens! Where are we, Proffie?"
"I couldn't say for certain, sir, but it looks like we might have made a temporal journey."
"By Jove! Are you saying that we might have travelled in time?"
"Precisely, sir. Forward in time"
And thus begins the saga of Mr. Foplin, the English gent in her Majesty's Secret Service and Proffie, his valet. They are explorers extraordinaire seeking out the stupefying and mind-bogglingly astounding secrets of the Unknown.
And now, they face their greatest battle...
The mystical perils of the 21st century.
Labels: Foogy Foplin, Proffie
posted by foogarky @ 11:57 AM,
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B for Bandanna
"Who? Who are you?"
On this most auspicious of nights, permit me then, in lieu of the more commonplace sobriquet, to suggest the character of this dramatis persona.
Bonjour! In view, a bellicose betrayer of beliefs, cast blindly as both barbarian and buccaneer by the bizarre behest of Beezlebub. This belly, no mere by-product of binging at banquets, is a bold badge of the Bourgeois, now barren, beaten.
However, this brave bringing back of a by-gone bogeyman, stands braced up and has been bound to butcher these boorish and banal blisters in our beautiful birthplace.
The only basic truth, this Bandanna ye behold is but a bauble, whose benefit shall one day befuddle the brains of the brilliant and the brave.
But surely, this barrage of blah-blah bears a brevity of blessed brilliance, so let me simply add that it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me B.
posted by foogarky @ 11:55 AM,
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I am a Mariachi Larcenist.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
As I entered the Spooky Forest, I felt a chill go down my spine. I would be facing fearsome Fluffy Bunnies. The very thought of fighting these dreadful creatures gave me sleepless nights for a week.
But why was I scared? I am loonan, the Mariachi Larcenist. At level 2, I should be capable enough to decimate the armies of Fluffy Bunnies. Or so I thought.
As they charged at me, flashing those horrible pink eyes and bunny teeth, I took out my trusty Stolen Accordion. This would be a battle that would be sung about in campfires in days to come.
In the end, I limped back to town covered in Bunny blood. The battle endowed me with 10 Moxie. And I could feel my Mojo returning. Call me Mr. Mojo Risin'. Stand back ladies, loonan is in da house!
Material copyright ( http://www.kingdomofloathing.com )
Down on Mojo? Enter the Kingdom of Loathing and ask for the Mariachi Larcenist. ;)
Kingdom of Loathing is a spiffy broswer based RPG. Play it now!
posted by foogarky @ 12:10 PM,
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A street war on the Festival of Lights
The day had finally come. I wore my fire retardant clothes and body armour and put on my ear plugs. Stepping out into the street was like entering a warzone. Loud blasts could be heard in the vicinity and shrapnel flew in all directions. I ran for cover, keeping my head low.
"What's the situation, sarge?", I asked my deputy as I reached our bunker in the street.
"We're running low on supplies, sir. We dispatched Goonie to the store but he hasn't returned yet."
"The enemy must have got him. God bless his li'l soul. Okay, what have we got?"
"Just a few bombs and a whole box of sparklers."
"Sparklers?! What are we going to do? Dazzle the enemy to death?", I sighed in resignation.
----------------------------------------
"Sir! Goonie's back! And, he has a cycle-load of rockets with him!"
"Buddha be praised! This turns the battle in our favour. Get the bottles ready. Load the rockets and set the orientation to 45 degrees west. Wait for my command..."
The street fell silent.
"And, FIRE!"
All the fuses lit in unison, the rockets exited their glass cannons with a loud hiss and zooomed right into the enemy lair in the next street. A few loud bangs later we saw the white flag rise through the rubble. Our street won the war!
---------------------------------------
HAPPY DIWALI!
posted by foogarky @ 12:09 PM,
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The Goddess of Knowledge and her minions.
I was walking down the stairs early this morning, when I heard shouts of "FIRE!! Take him down!" and I found myself being shot at from all directions. I took evasive action and rolled down the stairs managing to avoid getting hit in the vitals. My thigh took a hit though, but I was intrigued to see only water on my pants instead of blood. I was obviously targetted by some unknown assailants armed with water pistols, who were in the process of getting away.
I gave chase and managed to catch one of them who turned out to be but a young lad. He shot me in the face. As I wiped the water off, I boxed the young whippersnapper in the ears and asked, "Shouldn't you be studying, pipsqueak?".
To this the dashed little blighter replied, "It's forbidden to study today."
"Forbidden? Why on earth is it forbidden to learn your lessons today?"
"You are stupider than you look, mister", the lad replied, "Today is the festival of the Goddess of knowledge. She forbade us to study. Bless her soul."
Visions of armed and dangerous children running around with impunity, with absolutely no parental contol, terrorising the peace-loving citizens flooded into my mind. I shuddered at the thought and ran upstairs to my room and locked myself. I was going to spend the day cooped up in front of my computer.
*POWER CUT*
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo~
posted by foogarky @ 12:04 PM,
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foogarky slain in vain.
[Hidden away in the deepest cavern is a terrifying, savage beast known only as Gn'arth. Slumbering most of the time, the primal instincts of this creature drive it to emerge out into the open and commit unspeakable acts of savagery. The earliest recorded history of Gn'arth spoke of him attacking a village, slaying the men, raping the women and making slaves of the children.
loonan and foogarky stood together, as Brothers-in-arms. The unlikely pair of a Barbarian and an Elf joined swords once again to battle this seemingly invincible creature. Would Gn'arth prevail this time?
Nay, say the chroniclers. loonan and foogarky had fought bravely and saved the day once again. Sadly, foogarky was felled in the battle. Some say that foogarky was slain by the beast, because in the midst of battle, loonan became a changed man.
As the Barbarian drove the beast back to the depths of the cavern, he had a strange smile on his face. Could a beast corrupt a Barbarian's sense of honour?]
A Freudian case analysis studies the id, Ego and Superego. The id is the representation of the animal urges and is kept under control by the Ego and Superego. The id is hidden away in the subconscious and is repressed every time it appears in the conscious mind. Can the Superego take shades of grey and become like the id itself? Would that turn me into a murderer and a rapist?
[Was foogarky slain in vain?]
Labels: foogarky, Gn'arth, loonan
posted by foogarky @ 12:02 PM,
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The Author
foogarky
foogarky is the pseudonym of the fictional construct who battles for supremacy with other constructed personas in the mind of a crazed individual. He describes himself as a man living in a non descript house in Rio De Janiero, Brazil with two dogs and a parakeet.
About This Blog
The Loony Lampoonist serves to parody, spoof and satirize everything that needs to be parodied, spoofed and satirized. Due to the fictional nature of this electronic journal, any anecdotes appearing here ever so often that seem to be personal in nature, would suffer from the effects of conflicting personalities, the creation of fictional events and the inclusion of non existent characters who did not make it to the big league in the author's literary works. Thus, the Loony Lampoonist is also a purgatory for characters and ideas that have missed the limelight.
