The 2nd Best Page In The Universe
Monday, July 30, 2007
Did I tell you that I had recently installed a new appliance in our premises? This fancy new gadget is called the Chatter Box and it can automagically transmit messages from a reader of The Loony Lampoonist directly to my computer screen. You will see that it occupies a prime location on the right side of your screen, below the Shout Box.
And sure enough, I had my first conversation with one of my readers today.
The transcript of the conversation is provided below :
[17:39] Pimpom: nice blog
[17:39] loonan: thanks
[17:40] Pimpom: maddox is better
[17:40] loonan: lol
[17:40] Pimpom has left the chat
Well thank you, Mr. Pimpom, for stating the obvious. The website maintained by Maddox at http://maddox.xmission.com/ is the self proclaimed The Best Page In The Universe. With a superlative title such as that, it would only seem logical that Maddox's site is much better and The Loony Lampoonist is in fact only The 2nd Best Page In The Universe.
posted by foogarky @ 11:40 AM,
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The Bizarre Tale of Victoria Frankenstein
Sunday, July 15, 2007
I am a man of science. I unlock the secrets of the microscopic worlds of the human cell. My name is Victor Frankenstein.
You need not fear me. Certain fictionalized accounts claim that I am the creator of a terrifying monster that takes my name. An exciting story perhaps, but it is all fantasy I assure you.
I am however, the creator of the greatest sexual technique ever known to Man.
The Ipse Coitus.
It all began one day, when one of my students screamed "Go fuck yourself!" at me in a fit of rage.
After disciplining the insolent young man for his colourful display of rebellion, I started thinking,
What if this meaningless, abusive phrase could be looked at in a literal sense?
What if scientific thought could be applied to turn an impossible concept into reality?
Excited, I rushed down into my laboratory. I drew blood from my arm and extracted the DNA. In those double helices lay code which defined who I was.
I cloned myself and looked at my creation. And slapped my forehead. I had overlooked my gender. My clone was male, like I was and this was the 19th century. Homosexuality was taboo and still unheard of.
So I disposed of the clone (using methods better left unsaid) and used the remaining DNA to create a clone of the female gender. As she emerged from the birth pod, I remembered that primates and humans shared 99% of their genetic code. Similarly, male and female humans would share a genetic code with a difference of 1%, I theorized. And that one percentile difference worked upon my DNA during the cloning process to cause an unanticipated change.
In other words, she was not me.
I disposed of her (with the same methods that were previously left unsaid and shall remain in the status quo) and made my final attempt. I created a human female, a blank slate or an empty shell as it were, devoid of any memories. I recorded my precious memories and transferred it to her mind. I then named her Victoria Frankenstein.
She was me.
I looked at her. As I gazed into her deep blue eyes, the window to her soul, I saw myself. The attraction was irresistible. I realised that the human mind was unashamedly narcissistic.
As I took her in my arms, our bodies intertwined, I had achieved the impossible. I had fucked myself.
posted by foogarky @ 2:07 PM,
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Faux pas Americana
On another visit to the United States on business, I had to speak to a prospective client on the telephone.
Noticing that I spoke in a different accent, the female voice on the other end asked,
"You speak American?" [sic] (This grammatically wrong question would probably read "Can you speak with an American accent, please?" on correction.)
And unable to resist the temptation of sarcasm, I replied, "North or South?"
I lost the deal.
posted by foogarky @ 1:52 PM,
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English Reversal anyone?
After burying the done-to-death meme, the Russian Reversal, The Loony Lampoonist now presents the world's first English Reversal joke.
In the US, you kick ass.
In England, asses kick you!
While the Russian Reversal jokes were supposedly a "social commentary" on the political conditions of Soviet Russia, the spanking new English Reversal theme has a more practical purpose. That of parodying the American dialect of the English language.
On a visit to the Northern Americas, you might overhear a native exclaim "I kicked his ass!" very often. You might then wonder why the aforementioned native would so proudly proclaim such a thing. Surely the act of booting someone's donkey wasn't a feat to be proud of.
After a few discreet enquiries you learn that the bloke was actually referring to the other person's bottom (and not a farmhouse donkey) and the metaphorical action of kicking someone's bottom implied that you defeated him in sport or debate. A busybody starts explaining the history of the idiom, but you politely inform him that you are not interested in the etymology of the word.
For, you know that as a citizen of the Commonwealth, the word "Ass" only brings up images of the Equus asinus and it's defence mechanism : A swift double heeled kick in the direction of it's natural enemy. The hare-brained human who happens to be annoying it.
posted by foogarky @ 12:00 PM,
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foogarky X loonan
Sunday, July 08, 2007
The Chronicles of Ancient Edo
Haven't we all heard of the legendary Battosai and the infamous vagabond Mugen? While the legends and history of Edo (known in this age as Tokyo) are well documented, the stories of Ancient Edo have been lost in the mists of time. A dark and mysterious realm, Ancient Edo existed before the coming of Man. It lay within the borders of present day Japan, but the world was a different place back then. There were no Nintendos and Gatling guns. A citizen of Ancient Edo was judged only by the swiftness of his katana. The fair elves ruled the land and Ancient Edo was in peace for aeons. However, trouble was brewing in the North and other races cast their greedy eyes on this prosperous and mysterious land. The Time of War had come..
The Last (Elfin) Samurai?
He surveyed the battlefield with tears in his eyes. He could only see his kinsmen as far as his keen eyes could see. Their bodies lay strewn on the ground, felled by the weapons of the Gaijin. Their ethereally pretty faces had only the pale look of death on them.
The message had reached his clan too late. The messenger pigeon barely survived the arrows of the enemy and delivered its message to him with it's last dying breath. foogarky looked at the brave pigeon and wondered if that would be the fate of all his people. The message had pleaded for help; the borderline villages couldn't hold out against the invaders and were falling, one by one, to the ravaging enemy from the north. foogarky did not pause to wonder why his land was being attacked after so many aeons of peace. He summoned his clansmen quietly and rode to the Valley.
It was too late. The Elfin warriors couldn't hold out against superior numbers, but they fought bravely to give just enough time for the women, children and elders to escape (A fact that foogarky was not aware of at that time). All he could see was death. And before he had time to bring his thoughts together, the enemy appeared from the top of the hills.
It was a trap and foogarky cursed himself for being clouded by grief in a battlefield. He drew his Dual Katanas and smirked. This time both of them would taste blood.
The trap was laid by a raiding party of mercenaries. They were undisciplined fighters but superior in number. foogarky charged, his Dual Katanas singing through the air and dismembering whatever came in it's way, be it Gaijin head, arm or leg. The Dual Katanas did not discriminate. As he slew the mercenaries, he could see in the corner of his eye, the flash of a huge sword, seemingly impossible to carry, that cut through dozens of his clansmen. However, he could not afford to be distracted. He was in the midst of battle too and he continued killing whoever or whatever stepped in his way. He could hear the chants of his sister Emina behind him. She had insisted on coming along with him to battle. Knowing very well of her hot-headedness, he grudgingly agreed, knowing that her magickal skills would be very useful. His Dual Katanas now shone with a golden light, endowed with Emina's holy magick.
Hours later, foogarky wiped his brows and winced with pain. The raiding party was almost finished but at what terrible cost? Once again, bodies lay strewn amongst him, but this time it was people he knew. Men and women who looked up to him as a leader and friend. And now they were all dead. This time he could not control his emotions. He collapsed and cried in despair.
There was a flash of light again. Foogarky's keen elfin senses brought him to his feet. He could feel a presence. It was not magickal, or Emina would have sensed it first. It was a warrior of astounding strength. The truth dawned upon him. This was to be a battle of two champions. Two formidable warriors. While foogarky was despatching off the raiders to hell, there was a champion on their side who was doing the same to his clansmen. Now, only the two remained along with Emina, who as a magick user, was able to stay alive by defending herself ably against the melee fighters.
foogarky faced the raider chieftain. It was a Barbarian, who carried a giant sword that looked seemingly impossible to wield. The Barbarian lifted his sword in respect and spoke in a strange tongue. It was Cimmerian. Emina, who was also a scholar, translated his foreign speech for foogarky to understand:
"I respect your prowess in the battlefield, foogarky-taicho. As I felled your clansmen, so did you mine. I would be honoured to fight you fairly. Will you accept?"
"Yes", Emina translated foogarky's Elvish words back to the Barbarian, "I accept. But first, I must have the honour of knowing your name. What are you called, Gaijin?"
"I am called loonan of Cimmeria."
foogarky drew his Dual Katanas once again. Both the blades would be needed against such a formidable foe. He closed his eyes and thought of his Sensei. All the Kenjutsu that he learned in his early years, would it be a fair match for the berserk swordplay of a Barbarian? The Barbarians; a race which his ancestors never faced before in battle. Would the age old Kenjutsu be adapative enough to use against a foreign martial art?
Loonan drew his bastard sword effortlessly. He had a lot of respect for this Elfin Samurai, who slew more than a hundred of his men. But loonan was not afraid. If today was going to be his day of defeat, then so be it. Those were his thoughts before he changed into Berserker mode. After the transformation though, all he could see through his bloody eyes was an elf that stood in his way. His head raised high, screaming the terrible war cry, he charged.
If there are doubts to the origin of Adaptive Kendo, then it could surely be said that it started on this day, when an Elfin Samurai used his keen senses to modify the rigid stances of his Kenjutsu and adapt it to fight against an aggressive swordplay that he found difficult to predict, employed by a Barbarian who was now driven only by his animal instincts. The bastard sword constantly drove towards foogarky looking for openings, but the Adaptive Kendo successfully fended off the attack. Emina watched on, looking at the two evenly matched swords singing through the air.
But it had to end. The unstoppable bastard sword finally penetrated through foogarky's defense and delivered a shattering blow to his chest. His armour crumbled and his lungs struggled to breathe. He collapsed, almost asphyxiated. The Barbarian, though still in berserker mode, calmly raised his sword high in the air to give foogarky a honourable death.
The chants grew louder. Emina knew her brother very well and could see that he was struggling against the Barbarian. She knew that interfering in the fight would mean bringing dishonour to her brother, but she did not care. A white light shone out of her and a faery like creature appeared over foogarky's head. It held his hand and vanished. The Barbarian stared at the empty space where foogarky had collapsed a few minutes ago. He could not believe his eyes. The elf was nowhere to be seen. He turned toward Emina, scowling.
Emina cast an immobility spell on the advancing Barbarian. The light shone on the Barbarian and disappeared immediately, not doing anything. Emina would not know until later that Barbarians were immune to magick because their culture had never experienced or believed in magick, thus nullifying it's effect. However, she was lucky that Barbarians were known to never harm women. That was the reason why she lived that day and ended up as the captive of loonan the Barbarian.
Where is foogarky whisked off to? What strange lands will he go to and what strange people will he meet? And, what of Emina? And finally, is loonan destined to fight against foogarky?
To be continued...
posted by foogarky @ 12:47 PM,
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Pint-sized humour
Saturday, July 07, 2007
On a different note, did you know eight pints make a gallon? The other day I walked into a pub and the barkeep asked me to name my poison.
"Beer", I replied, "And make it an eight of a gallon."
I wonder why he gave me that strange look...
posted by foogarky @ 2:41 PM,
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Can I have the egg and spam sandwich, without the spam please?
Many people have asked me the secret of my spamming success. Well, it's been a closely guarded secret for generations in my family, but oh well, it's time to tell everyone. I have this pet monkey. I take him out of his cage and and chain him in front of my computer...
posted by foogarky @ 2:28 PM,
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The Towel of Shame
As I stepped out of the sauna with only my trusty Towel wrapped around my waist, I saw the terrible face of the Ravenous Bugblatter beast of Traal. Oh, what a terrible conundrum!
Do I wrap the Towel around my head and escape certain death or do I leave the Towel wrapped around my waist to avoid a certain scandal in the papers tomorrow?
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy sure isn't as comprehensive as it's made out to be.
Labels: Dave
posted by foogarky @ 2:19 PM,
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Goodbye Charon.
One last night on Charon.
Dave returned to Charon in tears. He had heard the news. Pluto and Charon were no longer planet and moon, but rather simple interplanetary objects. According to interplanetary law, this would mean it was open season for scavengers.
The Shitnaaks laid claim to the two first. Pluto and Charon were scheduled to be demolished at 5:00 Earth Time. Dave was early. He entered the house and lay down on the bed. He thought of his first visit to Charon under rather harrowing circumstances. A crash landing.
An hour later, Dave heard the loud roar in the sky. The airborne steamrollers were on time. Dave closed his eyes and smiled. In a flash of an eye, it was all gone.
Labels: Dave
posted by foogarky @ 2:05 PM,
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Oh, don't be so luddi-crous!
For centuries I have been using an abacus to work with numbers. One day, a glib talking salesman convinced me to buy a device called a calculator (took me a while to learn how to pronounce the word). Apparently this tiny thingamajig fits into your palm and does the work of one thousand abacuses in one thousandth of the time.
I was impressed and for the next few centuries I did my number crunching on the calculator. And then, on one fine day, the salesman dropped in again. He lugged along a bigger device. "A computer", he called it and spouted a few figures that sounded mighty impressive. One million times faster and more accurate.
"Okay, so show me how to add my numbers on this computeron", I said.
"Computer, sir. Not computeron. And, you can do your math on this nifty li'l program here called calculator.exe. Let me open it for you.."
"Now why would I spend so much to buy something that does the same thing my calculator does?", I replied.
And the salesman and his computeron vanished in a cloud of redundancy.
Coming up next : Why I don't use mobile phones.
The Loony Luddite.
posted by foogarky @ 1:48 PM,
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The Author
foogarky
foogarky is the pseudonym of the fictional construct who battles for supremacy with other constructed personas in the mind of a crazed individual. He describes himself as a man living in a non descript house in Rio De Janiero, Brazil with two dogs and a parakeet.
About This Blog
The Loony Lampoonist serves to parody, spoof and satirize everything that needs to be parodied, spoofed and satirized. Due to the fictional nature of this electronic journal, any anecdotes appearing here ever so often that seem to be personal in nature, would suffer from the effects of conflicting personalities, the creation of fictional events and the inclusion of non existent characters who did not make it to the big league in the author's literary works. Thus, the Loony Lampoonist is also a purgatory for characters and ideas that have missed the limelight.
