Shoot Me Up
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
It is not a little known fact that the Loony Lampoonist makes an appearance in cinemas to catch the latest blockbusters on the big screen. While it has been alleged that the real reason behind the parodist's frequent visits to the theatres are to allay vile rumours that he supports the cause of the 21st century pirates by downloading the latest films off the interweb and watches them at his private home theatre in the company of women, he has denied them time and again. "My computer is loaded to the teeth with pornography. I couldn't find a few measly bytes of space to download pirated films even if I wanted to", is his usual riposte.
Rumours of piracy notwithstanding, we decided to accompany the Loony Lampoonist on a viewing of one of this years most anticipated films, Shoot 'Em Up. This man, renowned to come up with witty remarks during the course of a film screening entertaining the viewers in his immediate vicinity decided, however, to stay quiet during this film. "The guns do all the talking", he said, "So there ain't going to be a verbal barrage from me"
So we bought our buttered popcorn (I should watch my weight, Butter makes my anorexic body bloat up, My boyfriend won't like it surely, Oops shush, the film is about to start now, Shut up and watch) and sat down to watch Shoot 'Em Up.
At the end of the film, this reporter had her own opinions on it, but like the other opinion floating in her thought process that she had gobbled too much popcorn and was looking fat already, it was not relevant in the scope of this article and wouldn't need to be mentioned.
As we walked out of the cinema hall, I looked at the the Loony Lampoonist. He had a pale expression on his face. We asked him what he thought about the film.
He replied, "It's a wonder they didn't find me shot dead with a pistol in my hand in the theater today. The truth is, I wasn't armed"
posted by foogarky @ 1:30 PM,
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December 25th : The Bear Facts
It was a starry night. So starry in fact that Number One, one third of the Magi Trio, squinted his eyes and exclaimed, "I can't see the Star of Bedlam!"
He was promptly slapped by Number Two. "By the grizzly beard of Zoroaster, I swear you are as blind as a dead goose, I tells ya! Take a gander at the confusion in the North sky. In the centre lies the Star of Bedlam."
"Ah, I see it now. It is the very vision of loveliness indeed.", replied Number One, mistaking the neon signpost of the Sultry Samaritan Stars night club for the Star of Bedlam.
"You'll be seeing a lot more stars if you continue blathering on like an idiot", grumbled the second, clenching his knuckles, wondering how the first qualified to be a Wise Man. He had heard of A Fool's Wisdom, but this took the cake.
"Be quiet, you two", replied Number Three. He was looking up at the sky. "There", he said, pointing, "The Star of Bedlam penetrates into the rear of Ursa Major. It is the constellation of the Great Bear. The Divine Ursine child must be close by. We must hurry."
They reached the crowded streets of the Holy City at nightfall. The first couldn't help commenting on the nightlife, "Did you see the size of her-", only to be slapped again and reminded that, "We are on a mission, el stupido" by the second. The first pondered over how the second would know and speak in Espanol, a language that would orginate a few hundred years later Anno Domini but let it pass attributing it to an oversight by the writers of this bibilical saga.
"Should we search the houses or taverns first?", asked the third.
"Let's search the stables", replied the first.
"This isn't the time for your fetishes, first. I'll get you a nice mare later.", said the third, frowning.
"No!", screamed Number One. "Trust me on this. I know where the Great Bear is. Follow me!" He ran towards the smelly stables.
The second and third slapped foreheads and shook heads in respective numeric order and followed the first.
They saw the Great Bear. He was barely a cub, a bear cub, with shaggy brown hair. Comfortable in the manger, with a mangy coat he looked the part. The Magi Trio were convinced. They fell to their feet. And sung praises of the Messiah.
"The Great Bear comes down to earth!"
"He's smarter than the average bear!"
As they raised their heads they saw the mother of the Great Bear. She was servicing a customer.
"She's no immaculate virgin!", screamed the first. "Heresy, I say!"
"Oh fiddlesticks, we got the wrong bear", said the third, in realisation.
And then the three Wise Men searched every stable in the Holy City finding only newborn piglets and foals until they entered the stable that shone with the light from heaven. They had found the Great Bear. And the rest is history, they say. Alternate history to be exact. In our world history tells us that a furniture maker's son played the part of the Messiah.
What became of the not so great bear? It turns out that the son of the mother of disputable virginity grew up to lead an eventful life.
This is the story of the Life of Bearyan. The Greatest Story Never Told.
posted by foogarky @ 12:42 PM,
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The Author
foogarky
foogarky is the pseudonym of the fictional construct who battles for supremacy with other constructed personas in the mind of a crazed individual. He describes himself as a man living in a non descript house in Rio De Janiero, Brazil with two dogs and a parakeet.
About This Blog
The Loony Lampoonist serves to parody, spoof and satirize everything that needs to be parodied, spoofed and satirized. Due to the fictional nature of this electronic journal, any anecdotes appearing here ever so often that seem to be personal in nature, would suffer from the effects of conflicting personalities, the creation of fictional events and the inclusion of non existent characters who did not make it to the big league in the author's literary works. Thus, the Loony Lampoonist is also a purgatory for characters and ideas that have missed the limelight.
