Beware the lechery of women
Sunday, June 17, 2007
"How does one avoid unwanted female attention?"
This is a question oft asked by son to father, younger sibling to elder and friend to more experienced friend. And it is not a very easy question to answer. From time immemorial, certain males have attracted sexual advances from the opposite gender (recent theories suggest that these males may be endowed with unusually large quantities of the mythical mojo). It is common knowledge that female humans are very sexual creatures, to the extent that some of them might even be classified as sexual predators.
In his teenage years, such unwelcome sexual advances might seem amusing to the male. But later, in his prime, in the full bloom of manhood, such gestures become more frequent and aggressive and consequently more annoying to deal with.
Gentlemen bound by the code of Chivalry are particularly vulnerable to advances by aggressors in the guise of Ladyship.
A close study of the bibilical texts would reveal that Eve's temptation of Adam was also an unwelcome act. An act so world changing in magnitude that it has been compared to the opening of Pandora's Box.
With this introduction, we are closer to answering the question. How does one avoid unwanted female attention?
Switching to the first person, I remember I was in the theatre a week back. Watching a film that honestly wasn't very good, I carried on a conversational critique of it using an arsenal of wisecracks, dialogue improvisations et al. I did not realise that the group of young ladies seated behind us had been eavesdropping on our analysis.
"That was hilarious what you did", one young lady gushed to me without bothering to introduce herself and asked, "would you like go out sometime?"
"Wow, I wonder what my wife would think of that", I replied, faking a flattered smile.
Technique number 1 : The Charade of Marriage
I recently got asked out to the mall by a persistent young girl. Feeling sorry for ignoring her requests for more than a month, I finally agreed to meet her on saturday. As we met,
"I finally got you to come out with me! Hmm, who's this guy?", she asked.
"Oh this is Proffie. He's my partner", I replied, giving Proffie a prolonged hug.
Technique number 2 : The Gay Act
I was sitting in the cafeteria one sunny afternoon. I looked over my cup of coffee to see a young woman approach me. Seating herself at my table, she asked,
"Would you like to go out on a date with me?"
"And what else should I do for you, ma'am? Give birth to your baby? Clean his diapers? Do the housework? I'm the man here, if you didn't notice the lack of breasts on my chest"
Technique number 3: The sexist response
Of course, situations always arise when these techniques won't help one in a dire situation.
I arrived late for a gaming tournament. I realised to my dismay that I had brought my mouse pad, but forgotten my mouse. I went over to the girl seated in the chair opposite me and asked,
"Hey, you got a mouse?"
"No, I got a pussy though", she replied, smiling.
The directness of the response was irresistible and without wasting a moment, we were in bed together. We've been together ever since.
This is the ultimate technique, Technique number 4. Go steady with a predator. If any predators lurking close by cast a lustful eye upon you, god forbid, your little vixen will be there to protect you.
posted by foogarky @ 2:59 PM,
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A chink in the male armour
I looked him in the eye. The left one, to be exact. Rage.
I looked into his right eye. Rage again.
It was unmistakable. This giant in a schoolboy's uniform could be, in all fairness, a good writer or possibly even a good composer of romantic poetry. But at this moment only murderous intent filled his mind. Murderous intent directed at me, I realised whilst imagining the level in a lifespan meter above my head dropping down rapidly.
This champion of bullies had ignored me through most of the school term, but chose to include me in his long list of victims today. I wasn't in the mood for a bout of bullying, so I pointed my middle finger upwards in an offensive gesture. It didn't go down too well with him. He snarled and charged at me.
I bent downwards to avoid his fist. I chuckled as his swing failed to make contact. I did not anticipate an approaching knee though. It went straight for my family jewels.
Darkness fell. A few words slipped in through the darkness momentarily.
"This is where your lineage ends, for sure", a gruff voice mocked.
A female sounding voice seemed to say "Oh, he's never going to be doing any of us again".
Ignoring the excruciating pain, I stood up. There was interference in my field of vision. Revolving stars, birds and other assorted foreign objects made my perfect 20/20 a myopic 20/70. Nevertheless, I walked towards the green blur. As I got closer my heightened sense of smell confirmed my location. I had reached the bushes at the far end of the wall.
I unzipped my pants. I held it in my hand and closed my eyes. Up and down my hand went and I experienced my most painful and yet joyous experience of my life.
Foogarky is still in the game.
posted by foogarky @ 1:21 PM,
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The Author
foogarky
foogarky is the pseudonym of the fictional construct who battles for supremacy with other constructed personas in the mind of a crazed individual. He describes himself as a man living in a non descript house in Rio De Janiero, Brazil with two dogs and a parakeet.
About This Blog
The Loony Lampoonist serves to parody, spoof and satirize everything that needs to be parodied, spoofed and satirized. Due to the fictional nature of this electronic journal, any anecdotes appearing here ever so often that seem to be personal in nature, would suffer from the effects of conflicting personalities, the creation of fictional events and the inclusion of non existent characters who did not make it to the big league in the author's literary works. Thus, the Loony Lampoonist is also a purgatory for characters and ideas that have missed the limelight.
